Bloomsbury, England, November 4th, 2007-June 30th, 2010

Some of the wacky, weird and hilarious phrases that have been muttered in my presence while at work over the past two and a half years. I thought they were either strange or unique and I needed to document them. This spans 6 A4 pages (yeah weird paper size in the UK) and sums up the hilarity of the people I got to work with everyday. It's been a pleasure.


“Better to have an empty house, than a bad tenant” (getting sick at work) – N. Douglas

“He’s just twisting my melons” (client’s extreme annoyance on the MD campaign – N. Douglas

“She’s as mad as a box of frogs” (in reference to the trainwreck that is Brittany Spears) – N. Douglas

“They’re so wrong, their right” (in ref. to Scotch eggs and Twinkies) – N Douglas

“That is such a swiz!” (in response to no hotels in Brighton allowing just a 1 night booking.) – N. Douglas & A. Webber

“She’s a little pocket rocket” (reaction after meeting my mom) – N Douglas

“We’re both singing from the same hymn sheet then.” (on avoiding a potential dreadful client call) – N. Douglas

“Nicola, did you put a cat amongst the pigeons?” (on client saying that he did not instruct any changes to the MD online plan) – A. Webber

“Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick” – (drama of Mother’s Day banners) – N. Douglas

“What a bag of tits. We all could get together and beat Scotland” - (on how bad the Scotland rugby team is) – N. Douglas

“Up here for thinking mate, down there for dancing in the middle for romancing” - (in reference to her invention of chocolate porridge) – N. Douglas

“I like the cut of your jib” (on finding alternate ways of doing things if we run into a problem) – N. Douglas

“No way, Pedro” (on finding out that Paul McCartney’s first name is actually James) – N. Douglas

“Up and down like a whore’s drawers” (on Heather Mills’ stock history on celebdaq) – N. Douglas

“She could talk a glass eye to sleep” (on a boring interviewee) – A. Webber

“Have you had your back, sack and crack waxed?” (on Tom going on a date) – N. Douglas

“That’s a dry haircare launch.” (in reference to so many women with dry hair in the UK) – B. Van Der Gucht

“I tickled his murkin.” (pubic wig) – (in reference to touching a pic of Paul Walker) – A. Webber

“I look like a toss pot or a cock pipe” – (in reference to having symmetrical spots) – N. Douglas

“Oh my sainted trousers!” – (in reference to the amount purchased by Al & friend at Primark) – N. Douglas

“I can’t get my pork sausage legs in them.” – (in reference to trying on a pair of Primark jeans) – N. Douglas

“Pissed as a lord.” – (in reference to just being ridiculously drunk) – N. Douglas

“My eyes are like piss holes in the snow” (in ref to her crappy eyelashes) – A. Webber

“I’ll have a whisper in her shell like” (in ref to telling Ali something at the away days) – A. Webber

“Thanks, China” (meaning cockney – china plate=mate) – S. Losh

“Seriously, where is Sonny Jim?” (in reference to Ben being late to work) – N. Douglas

“I’m so hungry I could eat a scabby horse” – N. Douglas

“Why not, Gordon Bennett!!” – (on me saying I won’t work at McCann forever) A. Webber

“My submarine is full of eels, and flamingos only fly on Tuesdays” - (when someone is speaking utter rubbish) A. Webber

“Al’s thrown her toys out of the pram again” - (on responding to Al being angry about not knowing how to win at Celebdaq) N. Douglas

“Pay peanuts get monkeys” – (on Calum trying to save money) – A. Webber

“What did you do, knob-jockey?” –(on Ben saying Nic was fired and “replacing” her with boxes and pictures of Penelope when she was away at a record.) – N. Douglas

“It’s about as much use to me as a chocolate teapot.” – (on the free sample at Aveda this month – Be Curly) – A. Webber

“We’re dealing with a shower of fools” – (in ref. to a client asking her to remember to playout both versions of the commercial for Collagen) – N. Douglas

“I hope that’s all trickety boo with you two.” – (in ref. to taking her half day McHoliday) – N. Douglas

“He wants the moon on a stick” – (on Calum wanting everything right now) – N. Douglas

“I wish somebody would just shoot me in the face, just for something to do” – (on a really boring Friday afternoon) – N. Douglas

“I am going to have a wee just for something to do. I’ll see if I can’t push one out.” – again on that same Friday afternoon) – N. Douglas

“My stomach feels like my throat is being cut.” (on how hungry she is) – A. Webber

“It’s all fur coat and no knickers” – (on what is in shampoo that makes it lather) – A. Webber

“He’s such an absolute knob-cheese” – (on the gross unprofessionalism and tact that a client has) – N. Douglas

“If you’re going to muck about like farts in a bag, then what am I going to do?!”(on clients expecting us to foresee yet another asinine change) – N. Douglas

“If it’s 64 today, I will just plait (braid) sawdust” – (on the rubbish weather forecast) – A. Webber

“A Grade A C U Next Tuesday” (a client being a jerk) – N. Douglas

“No danger park ranger” – (on Al being at L’Oreal all morning and won’t be in the office until afternoon) – N. Douglas

“He just drinks steak in a glass doesn’t he?” – (On Paul drinking so much Guiness) – S. Ballam

“Do you think I came down in the last shower?” – (On Yo Sushi charging too much for a container half full of edamame) – N. Douglas

“You need to speak to the organ grinder, not the monkeys” – (on Sue the paper lady wanting to take us to lunch presumably to persuade us to use her paper company for L’O) – N. Douglas

“It’s about a knat’s cock taller” (on the proportion between RVL DSW and DL packs) – N. Douglas

“She couldn’t run a bath let alone a piece of business” – (no idea who she was talking about and on the phone to) – A. Webber

“A storm in a teacup!” – (on the announcement of Agon’s arrival in MAY of ’09 when it is currently October 16) – N. Douglas

“And Bob’s your uncle” – (in reference to Nic on-hold for Virgin forever and Al calling up and just choosing the “new CC application” selection from the menu and getting a representative right away) – A. Webber

“Bog-washing” – (flushing someone’s head down a toilet) – A. Webber

“I saw such a lairy ad in the paper yesterday” (an in your face Boots ad comparing their prices to Superdrug during the credit crunch) – A. Webber

“It’s a bit Charlie on the Farm in here” (rhyming for ‘warm’) – N. Douglas

“It’s so cunning you can stick a tail on it and call it a weasel” (feeding in projects to Chrome and emailing them every few days to show we are bringing work in house.) – A. Webber

“They couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery” (on Paris being bad at their coordination job) – A. Webber

“It’s a buggers muddle” (on the shambolic situation at Framestore in an offline) – N. Douglas

“She knows she’s about as funny as toothache.” (on the level of Grita’s humour) – A. Webber

“A nod’s as good as a wink to a blindman.” (Al winking about keeping a project on the downlow.) – T. White

“Christ on a bike!” (on the finishing of the haircolourants insert) – L. Solomon

“Their’s is more like a damp squib” (in reference to the England Rugby teams anthem) – N. Douglas

“You know me like you made me.” (in reference to Pauline Barker knowing exactly what type of drink she wants at what time of day) – N. Douglas

“We do push the peanut on creative more than anyone else” (on Vianney loving our Men Expert work) – A. Webber

“The cage was open, but no beast was coming out” (in reference to Tom’s fly being down on his jeans) – N. Douglas

“She will have your guts for garters” (A Kirky on lack of control of C sometimes) – A. Webber

“It’s like silk goin in and sewage goin out.” (on Prosecco or anything with bubbles) – A. Webber

“She’s telling pork pies” (which means lies and in reference to Serena Williams saying she weighed 130 lbs) – A. Webber

‘Sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees. Or the paper from the forest.’ (in ref. To AK not being able to see the big picture on Perfect Clean). – A. Webber

‘They’re gonna spit chips.’ (on the creatives being angry about the quick turnaround on men’s deodorants.) – A. Webber

‘He’s probably got more diseases than a GUM clinic (GUM – place where you go if you have STDs) (on Russell Brand) – A. Webber

‘Over-egging the pudding’ (overselling the Cheryl Cole debut ad tonight with an ad in the Metro saying, ‘Has your hair lost its mogo? Find it with Cheryl on ITV1 at 8:38.’) – N. Douglas

‘They look like they’ve been thrown in from behind a door.’ (on Laetitia Casta’s teeth) – A. Webber

‘We should put my mum and your dad in a bag and shake them up!’ (On Nic’s dad and Al’s mum not thinking Cheryl Cole is English or a Geordie) – A. Webber

“No one in their right mind would touch it with a barge pole” (On a property Ben surveyed to potentially buy but was shoddy) – N. Douglas

“He got stitched up like a kipper.” (On Ben’s brother paying him for his new shoes and giving Ben his old shoes.) – N. Douglas

“She’s as thick as two short planks.” (On the ineptitude of a client'sjob capabilities.) – N. Douglas

“Pull the plank out of your eyes before you try to pull the splinter out of ours.” (On a Daily Mail editor saying that her nine year old daughter thinks that washing her hair with Elvive will make her look like Cheryl Cole.) – A. Webber

“There’s more meat on a butcher’s pencil” (On Cecilia saying she can’t eat a chocolate because of her weight) – A. Webber

“You wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating cookies.” (on Keira Knightley being not ugly) – A. Webber

“What’s the matter with him, the dosey swine.” (on someone asking for something he likely already had received in several emails also sent to him on that day) – A. Webber

“They move slower than the Titanic trying to turn to avoid an iceberg.” (On L’Oréal’s ability to do reactionary advertising especially online.) – A. Webber

“You gutter snipe!” (On me thinking something Al said was dirty.) – A. Webber

“She can play the joanna – piana.” (On Alicia Keys having it all) – N. Douglas

“I could package this and ship it out.” (On the new pants he is trying out) – B. Van Der Gucht

“It’s like a baptism of fire.’ (on the new producer’s first day of chaos.) – N. Douglas

“Don’t you just want to shrink him down, put him on a keyring and carry him around with you?” (On Alex Nikpour and how hilarious he is) – S. Parkman

“You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ears.” (On making a deo outdoor ad without many elements or claims) – A. Webber

“Bless his cotton socks. – Bless his cottons” (On Paul coming up to see Pauline on misc costs). – P. Barker

“He’s got the brains of a rocking horse.” (On Wayne the maintenance man assessing the hole in Pauline Barker’s floor) – P. Peek

“It’s got a bit of a fur coat moment going on.” (On something in the fridge that has gone mouldy.) – P. Peek

“Mad as a March hare” (On some guy named Damon who Rob went out drinking with the night before) – R. Brown

“There’s always a bloody fly in the ointment” (on not getting her trackers quite right) N. Douglas

“They’re being like humping dogs at the moment!” (on Ireland being really needy as of late) E. Gwynn

London, England, June 23rd - June 30th, 2010

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind. Hard to believe that over two and a half years have already come and gone. It seems like just yesterday we arrived to an empty flat, were eating chicken and peas on the floor using Union Jack paper plates, and I was complaining that the yogurt and the processed cheese I was used to was going to taste different and I wasn’t going to like it.

Well...fast forward! This experience has been nothing short of life-changing and truly incredible and boy did I find new foods to eat (so many different types of cheese, carmelized onion hummus and plain digestives!). In order to go out with a bang, we tried to cram in as much as possible this past week.

Recap of the week:
Wednesday, June 23rd – Drinks at Santo’s with the girls and then last Supper Club at... Supper Club Notting Hill!

Thursday, June 24th – Dinner with new ex-pats Jeannie (Spink) Sullivan, her husband Todd and new baby Natalie at Pizza Express in West Hampstead. A few firsts here: Seeing Jeannie and Todd in London and visiting West Hampstead. Cute town!

Friday, June 25th – Jimmy’s birthday drinks at The Clarendon. Never a dull moment when we got out with J&J. Well, add their other friends to the mix and you have one heck of a gathering.

Saturday, June 26th – US vs Ghana soccer game viewing at the American Sports Bar at the O2. Then on to see Bon Jovi!! I had not been to a concert in years, had never seen Bon Jovi or been to the O2! The Bonj didn’t disappoint and Livin on a Prayer was the best I’ve heard.

Sunday, June 27th – Picnic with Maria, Jeff and Theresa (who were also at Bon Jovi) in Ladbroke Square on a gorgeous day. Followed by a trip to The Mitre to watch England vs Germany in the World Cup. Germany defeats England, I had a lot to do in the flat but was convinced to go to the Ladbroke Arms for one more. 4 jugs of Pimms later and at about 7:30, I convinced the gang, which had now expanded to include Jimmy and Jason, to come back to our house while we packed. They didn’t want to leave and we didn’t want to leave them so we tried to hang out as long as possible. It soon was 9:30 and everyone headed home. Eric and I then started to pack...

Monday, June 28th – Packers arrived to box up our stuff, went to work then Eric and I decided to take a trip to Wimbledon for a little night action. Nicola had never been either so the three of us headed down there. We caught the end of a junior’s match, then watched the end of the Roddick and Nadal matches from Henman Hill.

Tuesday, June 29th – I received the most brilliant leaving video from Nic, Heather and Lucy. They re-wrote lyrics to the song ‘Goodbye My Friend’ by the Spice Girls, and made a music video of them singing with clips of my other colleagues waving goodbye. It was a perfect mix of comedy and sorrow. It was so special. Had my leaving drinks at the Marquis that ended with flip cup. Eric had his leaving do at Corny and Barrow and brought some of his guests (including Jimmy and Jason) to mine.

Wednesday, June 30th – Leaving lunch at work which I’m sure is bound to include Lemoncello. My liver is going to thank me once I move out of the UK.

On my last day, today at McCann, I’m beginning to think back on some of the great memories we’ll take with us. Some of my favourites are listed below. I know there are so many more that aren’t listed, but this is just a sampler.

- Our first trip to Brussels and Bruge on the Eurostar
- First Agency Christmas Party that was a disaster and ended with me on the couch at work the next day and getting sent home in the afternoon because I was too ill to work. My co-workers were proud; I was embarrassed.
- Being laughed at in my first client meeting for saying the world anti-ageing instead of antee-ageing.
- Basically learning a new language
- Greece Sept 08
- South Africa April 09
- Every one of the visitors that took the time and expense of flying over to see us or getting in touch if they were here on business/pleasure
- Proms in the Park
- Teaching my colleagues how to play flip cup at the agency summer party in ’09, then having them initiate the play at the black tie Christmas party later in the year.
- Meeting some of the greatest, most unique people we will ever know
- Picnics in Ladbroke Square Garden
- Three Peaks Challenge
- Our final week in London
- And many many many more...

Goodbye England. I’ll miss you.

Paris, France May 14th - 16th, 2010

‘Paris in the springtime.’ This is the one thing that Bonnie had asked of me upon our relo to the UK. Each time they came for a visit, in the spring, we would suggest, let’s go to Rome or Prague? It was only fair that on their last visit before our move back that we took them to Paris in the springtime and did it properly.

On Friday night, we went first class on the Eurostar and enjoyed a lovely meal with proper cutlery, champagne and good conversation. My mom had not been on a ‘real’ train journey before (except to Edinburgh which doesn’t really count, I guess) so we were excited to pay up for a more premium experience.

We arrived into Gare de Nord around 10 I think and found our Hotel Caravelle with the help of Eric’s innate navigational skills. The hotel was sufficient and a ‘good value’ but dreadfully small. It was so small I was concerned there was no closet, but after my thorough inspection – which happens each time I enter a hotel room and consists of scouring for bugs, blood, pubes, and scoping out the amenities – it was located. The walls were a pepto bismol pink and the decor reminded me of a nursing home. Luckily the place was clean; that was most important. We dropped our stuff and headed out for a night cap, but first made a pitstop to Montmartre. Didn’t disappoint and Chuck and Bonnie were suitably impressed.

Because we enjoyed our drinks on Rue Lepic last March with the Ramsey/Novak clan, we headed back to the same place for drinks. A bottle of red and a stroll later, we called it a night.

On Saturday, breakfast was on our minds. My mom had gotten a recommendation from a friend to go try Angelina’s for their ‘world class’ hot chocolate. So we made our way on the metro to Rivoli and indulged in some croissants and some really good, really thick hot chocolate. Kind of pricey for what we got, but worth the experience for Bonnie to go back and tell her friend that she went on her recommendation.

After breakfast, we strolled along Rivoli towards the Louvre. Dad looked at the shops for goodies for the ladies at work, while Eric and I tried to plan our day. After a quick pit stop at the Louvre and the mini Arc, we took a walk across the Seine to Notre Dame. There was some festival of bread going on (SCORE!!) but sadly, it was more of ‘how to make it’ rather than ‘here, eat lots of different kinds.’ After a quick lap of the interior and a crooked look at a ‘hunchback’ posing with tourists outside, we tried to find Saint Chapelle, and after a search were successful, but we decided to admire it from the outside instead of going in.

Food from Mouffetard. Picnic in Luxembourg

It had been at least a few hours since we last ate, so we decided to take my parents to our favourite ‘picnic’ street Rue de Mouffetard. Of course, we picked up the standard, salami from the butcher, cheese from the fromagerie, pain from the boulangerie, fraise, chocolate and some drinks from the marche. The park we usually sit in at the end of Moufftard (and where Eric usually gets pooped on by birds) was a bit full so we walked to the Jardin du Luxembourg for our picnic. That too was busy, but we pulled up a few chairs and had a nice little lunch while people watching. The weather was relatively mild so a nice stroll post lunch was perfect.

We thought a bit of shopping was in order so we walked over to Les Halles and the surrounding areas. After about an hour or two, mom’s feet were getting tired so the perfect solution? Drink again. We sat a cafe right in Les Halles and enjoyed a bottle of rose and some pretzels. Post-snack, we walked along the Seine and then jumped on the metro back to our hotel for a little rest.

Chez Janou

The rest didn’t last long as we soon made our way our to Chez Janou near la place des Vosges. This was another favourite that was recommended to Eric by a colleague which we had tried back in March of ’09. The food was delicious, per usual. Chuck and Bonnie thoroughly enjoyed it (except for Bonnie’s expression when the full fish – head, eyes, and all – arrived on my plate). The dinner was long and leisurely and once we were stuffed we went for our post-dinner walk (which Eric loves).

The sights post-dinner included the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower. What a sight at night especially on the hour when it starts to sparkle. When the Tower lights went static, it was time to call it a night. Back to Pigalle and to bed.

Sunday

Sunday was another slow start. We checked out of the hotel (with luggage in tow since the ‘storage area’ at the hotel was ghetto) and had a bite of breakfast at the cafe on the corner of our street. The croissants and coffee were good but the service was dreadful although we did get to sit outside which was a bonus. But on second thought, it’s Paris so that isn’t too unique is it?

We decided to drop our luggage at Gare du Nord before exploring the city on our final day so we walked, found a locker and headed out on the town. Our first stop was to Jardin des Tuileries because Bonnie loves a good garden. After a wander around there, we made our way to the Arc and the Champs Elysee. Food was on our minds as we strolled down the Champs, but we figured any restaurants on or in the vicinity would likely be sub-par and expensive so we wandered south in search of food.

It had been a few hours since our last meal, and I was getting cranky. We looked at a few posted menus, but what everyone wanted was quiche so we continued the search until we stumbled upon an outdoor cafe about 15 minutes later. The food was good (including the quiche Lorraine) and we got a nice bottle of rose that went down a treat! Sadly, following a leisurely lunch, it was time to head to the train station.

We arrived early at the station to pick up our customary picnic meal for the train – meat, cheese, and bread. We had picked up a few bottles of wine earlier in the day because they are good and so cheap! Oddly enough, we were able to get each of the remaining items in the train station. I love Paris! The journey home was as nice as the journey there – lots of wine and some great conversation. I'm pretty sure if you ask Bonnie, she was pretty impressed with her Paris in the springtime visit.

Amalfi Coast, Italy April 29th-May 4th, 2010

Our last ‘new adventure’ from our homebase in London took place over the first bank holiday in May and landed us on the beautiful Amalfi Coast in Italy.

Pictures:http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/sharing/shareRedirectSwitchBoard.jsp?token=401447086803%3A1403499540&sourceId=533754321803&cm_mmc=eMail-_-Share-_-Photos-_-Sharee

And so the trip began...we arrived on Thursday afternoon. Step 1 Eric gets yelled at on the shuttle bus for making a work phone call. Ace. Pick up rental car (Nissan Micra) that had been in at least 1 front-end collision, 1 left-rear collision and was the victim of a keying. And everytime he let up on the gas there was a hissing noise. Not too sure the car was going to make the 1-hour journey to Amalfi.

Tom tom led the way and we arrived in Il Saraceno Grand Hotel, 3 km outside of Amalfi, about an hour and a half later. Hotel was unique, had a lot of character, a lot of branding (down to the hangers in the closet) and was likely quite a luxurious accommodation back in the 60s when it was likely last renovated. We struggled to communicate with the girl at the front desk, but were soon shown to our room. It was spacious with a gorgeous sea view, but had very thin walls, was very dated and gaudy accents were everywhere. Busts, armoires, chairs (one that resembled a throne in our room) filled every nook and cranny of the hotel. It was funny, but a bit creepy.

Set off for Amalfi Centro. Explored some of the town before sitting down for a late pizza lunch. Can’t remember the name of the pizzeria that also served hamburghers (sic) and chicken ‘gordon’ bleu, but the pizza tasted like school cafeteria, but was 5 euros so can’t complain too much.

From Il Saraceno

Continued to wander, did a bit of shopping (pesto, sundried tomatoes, lemon drops, a bottle of local red, and a 3-pack of mini-proseccos) then tried to find a place we could reserve for dinner. After settling on a nice place called Da Gemma, we strolled down to the marina, took a rest on the toy ‘jack’ looking rocks for a look at the view before heading back to our car.

Our hotel is just below the big cave

 Drove back to hotel for a rest and 2 of the 3 proseccos, then headed back into town via the local bus (2.40 euro/ride or 7 for 24 hour) that stopped right in front of our hotel.

Da Gemma turned out to be a find! We sat on the terrace and had some delicious food. A caprese salad to start followed by two pasta dishes (which we were told were small) and a fish for two with a salt crust. This massive whole fish (local white fish) arrived with a 3-inch layer thick crust of salt, which then was taken off by the waiter and dissected before he put a few pieces on each plate. The fish was perfectly ‘salted’ and literally melted in our mouths. After a complimentary limoncello shot, we paid the bill and stumbled back to the marina to find a taxi.

Capri

Day 2 started early with breakfast on the terrace of the hotel overlooking the sea. The breakfast buffet was somewhat limited. Heavy on the carbs with some suspicious-looking juices and meat/cheeses. The night before we had learned of a free hotel shuttle bus (branded of course) that made runs into Amalfi beginning at 8 a.m so we hopped on the 9 a.m. bus and headed into town to catch the boat to Capri for the day.

Capri

The weather was gorgeous and Capri didn’t disappoint. We immediately skipped the harbor chintze and found the stairs to climb to Capri centro. The climb was steep but worth the exercise. The small centro, with a gorgeous view of the port, offered cafes, expensive boutiques, and was buzzing with activity. We then did what we do best, climb upward and get lost. Our destination was a castle at the very top of Capri, but instead we took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at a look out point across on of the many inlets on the island. Equally beautiful and less of a hike= score!

At this point, we were getting a bit hungry, but couldn’t decide on for what so we went for a wander along some of the backstreets. Next to a few high-end boutiques and souvenir shops, we found Ferrara’s, a small grocer selling goods of Capri. So, in true Wilson fashion, we rounded up some fixings for a picnic lunch (salami, pecorino cheese, bread and sundried tomatoes) and found a spot along the path down to the harbor to sit and eat.

Grotto Azzura

After lunch, we took a stroll back down to the harbor and sat on some rocks by the sea (after testing out the frigid, yet aquamarine) water. Soon enough, it was time to hop on our tour boat to take us to the Grotto Azzura (Blue Cave). It took about 20 minutes to get there and once we arrived, we had to take turns (there were 12 of us) boarding a small rowboat with a guide to take us into the cave. The entrance to the cave is so narrow and squat, Eric and the other male in the boat (other than the guide) had to duck at the entrance. Once inside, the scene is spectacular. The cave wall basically floats on the surface of the water, the white sand reflects the sun on the water and the blue of the water is a beautiful azure color. After two paddled loops around the dark cave and a serenade by the rower, we hopped back in the main boat and were driven back to port.

We had another hour of time to kill before boarding the boat back to Amalfi, so for more exercise, we hiked the steps to the centro once again. This time, we took 5 minutes off of our initial descent. Great butt workout: check. We then headed back down, in time for a lemon sorbet before hopping onto the boat.

The boat back to Amalfi was packed, and we ended up standing next to a single American girl who was stunning. We had seen her on the way out to Capri and she was not short on attention from the waiter on-board. This time, it was the locals’ turn to ‘chat her up.’ Some of the pickup lines were incredible. Others were subtler with offerings of a seat or a coat (the wind was a bit chilly and she was wearing a sundress). Poor Eric was embarrassed for the male species, and I was more fascinated with how well the girl was taking the attention. It turns out she was from Seattle (Eric thought about having a go next), but he missed his chance as the ‘security guard’ on the boat whisked her off into the wheelhouse to meet the captain of the boat and even sound the horn. She stayed in there for the remainder of the ride (about an hour) and to the disappointment of the 30 teenage boys on-board hoping to have a chat with her.

We disembarked (with the hot girl) at Amalfi and (as promised) the hotel driver (who we dubbed Herb since he looked like Eric’s grandfather) was waiting to take us back to the hotel.

After a quick pit stop, we decided to try one of the recommendations we had received from ‘Luxury dining in Amalfi’ off the web and head to Maiori for pizza at La Vela. Supposedly, it was a place that ‘locals love and visitors often make a ‘pilgrimage’ to year after year.’ I definitely wouldn’t go that far. It was okay, and the weird fried dough balls were an interesting ‘on the house’ starter, but I likely won’t be recommending it.

Grocery shopping with Vinny

Saturday, we were in for a special treat. One of the items listed on the ‘top ten things to do in Amalfi’ according to the Trip Advisor website, was to take a cooking class with Vincenzino. So, we signed up via Wagner Tours and met Vincenzino at the tour office in Ravello at 10 on Saturday morning. When we found out it was going to be a private cooking class in his home, we were excited. He took us first to a local fish shop to pick out our main ingredients. Poor guy, when I told him I didn’t eat: squid, anchovies, mussels, or any other shell-fish for that matter, he was gutted, asked that I at least try, and then got me a Dorato (a fish which Baldo had made for me in Croatia).

We then made our way through the winding streets, stopping every few minutes when Vincenzino was greeted by a local (he was born, raised and had lived in Ravello all his life). At last we reached our classroom, a 12^th century villa once owned by a famous Italian writer. It was fabulous with spectacular views of the sea.

We got right to work, chopping veg (from his organic vegetable garden and only veg in season) and herbs. Next we had to clean the anchovies. Obviously part of the cooking class is prepping the food so reluctantly (me) and excitedly (Eric) we followed V’s lead and began squeezing the heads off, removing the guts and filleting the anchovies. Horrible, horrible feeling of squeezing an anchovy head. Of course, I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut and told V about the time I mistakenly ordered an anchovy pizza during another trip to Italy and mentioned how salty it tasted. He then brought over a piece of anchovy filet, stuck it in my mouth and said, ‘See no salty. Very fresh.’ Still as gross as the first time I tried them.

V talked and talked about life in Ravello, his kids, his passion for food and ingredients and his love of life. 

Vincenzo's balcony 

His excitement was contagious, but it was quickly forgotten when it was time to clean the squid. I physically couldn’t do it. I saw what was coming out (a brown liquid that squirted onto Eric’s nose) and almost hurled. Luckily, V didn’t press his luck and let me just ‘watch’ in the corner. The next few hours were filled with laughs, food prep and finally tucking in to our delicious and fishy 4 course meal out on his terrace complete with a bottle of crisp Amalfi Coast white. When the prep was done, V dressed the plates (besides cooking his passion also includes food styling) and serving us on the terrace. Course 1: anchovy fillets cooked in lemon and sea salt on a bed of zucchini. I ate a few of the anchovies out of respect, but ended up shoveling a few onto Eric’s plate when V wasn’t looking. Course 2: vegetable pasta for me and mussel pasta for Eric. Oh yeah about an hour before, Vincenzino asked me to try a mussel. Not quite like sucking phlegm off a rock (eating an oyster), but not good. I told him to give all of the mussels to Eric and he obliged. Course 3: bruchetta – yummy! Course 4: squid on toast – no thanks. Course 5: Dorato; it was delicious!!

What an incredible day. Such a fabulous and memorable experience that we would happily recommend to anyone. V sent us home with some recipes, a book on Ravello that he helped to write and two full stomachs. In order to walk off lunch, we decided to take two of the recommended walks around Ravello from V’s book. They were very scenic and included more stairs! As the sun began to set, we sat for a drink and a snack at one of the outdoor cafes in the main square before heading back to Amalfi.

We literally collapsed once we got back to our room and decided to dig in to some of the left over bread, the jar of pesto and the sundried tomatoes we had purchased the day before and called that dinner before calling it a night.

Wandering the outskirts of Ravello

Sunday morning, we woke up early and went for a very hilly run into Amalfi and back (took about an hour with the killer hills!), feasted on breakfast and decided to relax at the hotel’s private beach. The weather was beautiful and we spent a few hours soaking up the sun before deciding to head to Positano. From the beach, back to our room, we explored parts of the ‘castle’ below the hotel. Such a weird, but incredible structure that had so much untapped potential. Apparently the hotel is for sale. I really hope the new owner has a lot of creativity and a lot of cash because that hotel is a gold mine if put in the hands of the right people. Eric and I predict that in a few years time, we’ll read about the hotel and how it is the new jet-setter’s playground.

At Buca di Bacco

Positano is a very cute, but small and vertical town with lots of shopping and restaurants with a crowded beach. Our first stop was lunch at a great spot called Buca di Bacco with a terrace overlooking the beach. Eric had shrimp walnut pasta and I, finally, got my sought-after pesto! Everything from the breadbasket down to the wine was delicious and relatively affordable (apparently rare for Positano). Buca di Bacca is a place to try.

After a bit of a wander around the town and a lemon ice to go, we hiked (and I say hike because it was one continuous hill for a few kilometers) back to the Micra and back to Amalfi. But instead drove past Amalfi and decided to check out Salerno. About ¾ of the way to Salerno, the traffic and bad radio stations finally got to us. We could see Salerno in the distance and it looked like a sprawling city and not the quaint little coastal town we had imagined so we didn’t feel like we were missing much and turned around. The winding roads and tight corners shared with giant buses lead us back to our hotel. Again, we weren’t keen on going back into Amalfi for dinner so we stopped at a take-out pizza place near our hotel called Jotsy Pizza. The man who helped us order turned out to be born and raised in the Bronx. What a small world.

The pizza was actually the best we had in Amalfi (likely because of the American influence J) and was a great complement to the wine we had purchased a few days before. With a backdrop of CNN, it made for a great night in.

Everything was branded at Il Saraceno...everything.

Our final day on the Coast, we headed out early to Sorrento and unfortunately didn’t have much time to spend there before heading back to Naples to catch our flight. Eric finally got his gelato in Sorrento as we rushed around the stores looking for the perfect souvenir to remember our trip. Sadly, all we’ll have are our memories and photos as we didn’t want to force a ‘lemon the size of your head’ purchase or a lemon/florally/patterned ceramic piece.

It’s bittersweet to think this is our last new adventure from London; however it was certainly a great way to end. Top recommendation: rent a small car for the tight turns and narrow winding roads. We quickly learned why our Micra had so many ‘war wounds.’

Luxor, Aswan and Cairo, Egypt March 28th -April 5th, 2010

Africrew’s annual spring getaway continued in 2010; this year to Egypt. Theresa, Vic, Maria, Jeff, Erin and I spent a few days cruising south along the Nile from Luxor to Aswan, followed by a weekend in Cairo.

Pictures: http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/sharing/shareRedirectSwitchBoard.jsp?token=983291476803%3A1618578537&sourceId=533754321803&cm_mmc=eMail-_-Share-_-Photos-_-Sharee

Our room aboard A&K's Sunboat IV

We departed London late on a Thursday night, thankful that the BA cabin crew strike didn’t disrupt our departure. We arrived in Cairo just after midnight, leaving us about three hours to sleep at the Fairmont Towers before going back to the airport to fly on to Luxor. We flew on a very old, “Petroleum Air Services” plane. By 11am we were onboard Sun Boat IV, operated by Abercrombie and Kent. The boat held about 80 guests. We were then divided into groups of about 15 – we would spend the entire cruise bundled with them. The six of us were paired with a family from Louisiana: Simone and Bill (Mom and Dad), Sydney and Savanna (daughters), Simone’s mother Ms. Suzanne, and her two friends Ms. Tookie and Ms. Jeannie. More to come on them. Our Egyptologist’s name was Osama.

An older  Nile cruiser

Entrance to Karnak

The first day was the longest. We dropped our bags on the boat and got right into a huge tour bus (big enough for 60+) to start touring ruins…Erin’s favorite. Our first sight was to The Temple of Karnak. As with most of the other sights we would visit, this one was 80% covered by sand by the time it was “discovered.” I didn’t know what to expect, but the temple was in pretty good shape…and it was huge. It was a whole complex of buildings, columns, and sand started about 3,500 years ago by Ramses II in the ancient city of Thebes (as the Greeks called it). Each column and most of the walls were covered in carved hieroglyphics. It was also packed with tourists from all over the world. Osama would be disappointed in me for leaving the description at that, but for the sake of time we’ll move on.

Inside Karnak

Hathor's Temple

After Karnak we visited two huge statues on the side of a road called the Colossi of Memnon before hitting the Valley of the Queens and separately the Valley of the Kings. After a few hundred years of burying pharaohs in pyramids, someone realized that the giant structures screamed “BURIED TREASURE IN HERE” to potential robbers. So they started burying important people in random desert valleys that shoot off from the Nile. The tombs were dug deep into the mountain, the walls and ceilings were carved and painted on all surfaces, and the dead were left with treasure to take them on into the afterlife. 63 tombs have been discovered in the Valley of the Kings, 62 of which were ransacked over the centuries. Only one tomb (that has been discovered to date) had not been cleared of its treasure by the beginning of the 20^th century. That tomb belonged to King Tutankhamun (Tut.)His tomb was discovered in 1922 by a Brit named Howard Carter. When upper class Brits steal things it’s called “discovery” or “preservation” rather than robbery. We would later see all the contents of the tomb at the Egyptian Museum in Cairo…very impressive. If you were an Egyptian king, especially a dead one, you and/or your body were well looked after. Not so for the people who actually built these temples and dug these tombs - they received little in return for their efforts. There were still a few things in Tut’s tomb: a giant wooden box, one of his many sarcophagi, and the body of the man himself.

The girls in front of Hatshepsut

We ended up visiting three other temples, each of which looked pretty similar (sorry Osama!): outer wall, a big temple in the middle, and walls and ceilings covered entirely in carvings and paintings. Each was dedicated to a different God. One had the face of a cow, one a falcon, etc. One site that looked different from the rest was Al-Deir Al-Bahari Temple, also known as Hatshepsut’s Temple. Hatshepsut was the only female pharaoh and for her they built an art deco masterpiece into the side of a mountain. You’ll see the differences in the pictures right away. The next morning we went to the Temple of Hathor (a lady-god with the cow face...really just cow ears) had lunch on the boat, then finished the day at Luxor Temple. It was an incredible sight lit up at night. That night we were treated to a whirling dervish and belly-dancing show on the boat during dinner. Vic was pulled out of the audience by the belly-dancer and he gave her a run for her money (see video). The six of us stayed up late and paid for it the next morning.

The Nile from our boat

The next day we cruised south to Edfu, stopping to see the well-preserved Temple there. This one was built for Horus, the Falcon-headed god of sky, war, and protection. The cooking class on the boat that afternoon was more like a cooking demonstration. Basically, the head chef mixed a bunch of pre-prepared ingredients together to make babaganoush and two other Egyptian dishes who’s names escape me. 

Kom Ombo

That night we went to Kom Ombo, a double temple built to serve two gods. The North Temple was built for Heroeris, the falcon-headed father of the falcon-god Horus. The South Temple was for Sobek who took the form of a crocadile. In each of these temples, the priests would keep a live animal to act as an embodiment of the god. So in Kom Ombo there was a pool built to keep water for the croc that would have been wandering around the temple. There was also a huge well with a spiral staircase built down in it so the priests could measure the water level each year.High water meant a good harvest, and a good harvest meant good tax revenue for the pharaoh, and good revenue meant the pharaoh could build things for himself, like a temple with a crocodile pool. After Kom Ombo, we went for a short stroll down a shopping street in Aswan. It was full of small shops selling clothing, food, spices, leather goods, tourists tchotch, and tea. Erin decided to wear her shortest skirt of the trip that day which was a hit with the local Muslim population. Most of them wouldn’t make any comments to her, but I was known as “lucky man” during the walk. That’s the problem with being carted around in air-conditioned tour buses and riverboats. It’s easy to forget that you’re an a place with a different dress code.

The enormous temple walls are covered in hieroglyphics 

Vic preaches on Egyptian night

The quarry

On the boat that night we had Egyptian Night with all the guests dressed in local garb, galabeyas, or whatever else they had picked up from the markets. Jeff picked out a nice brown, full-length number that turned out to be meant for a woman. He wore it well though. I have forgotten to mention that at every attraction, there are a bunch of guys peddling their wares, some more aggressively than others. We all ended up looking just like you might expect...ridiculous. The food, as it had been for all our other meals, was very good. Heaping quantities of tasty middle eastern food were available at every meal. This was a cruise after all.

At Philae Temple

The last day on the boat consisted of two main stops. First, we went to a granite quarry where a giant unfinished obelisk remained sticking half-way out of the earth.  Supposedly it cracked prior to completion, rendering the giant block useless for the artists. Our second stop was in the middle of the river. The Nile has been damned a few times. The High Dam near Aswan created a lake that would have swallowed up one of the Philae Temple so they moved it to a nearby, higher island. We took a short boat ride to it. It definitely had the best setting of all. Philae is dedicated to Osiris, the god of the dead, always shown in a form fitting white robe, his arms crossed holding a crook and a flail. When painted, his skin is often green or blue signaling rebirth (counterintuitive since he’s the god of death.) For sunset on our last day we took a ride on a felucca (sail boat) on the Nile near Aswan. We left early the next morning to fly back to Cairo.

Our gang on the felucca

We arrived at the Semiramis Intercontinental at around noon. Our overly-attentive, yet incompetent travel agent Amin unnecessarily delayed our transfer yet again. We had lunch at Sabaya, the Lebanese restaurant on the second floor. It was a bit formal for the quite bit we hoped to grab, but it was very good. We were the only group in the restaurant so our waiter guided us through the menu. We went for the lamb special which was prepared unlike anything any of us had ever had or would ever order but it was outstanding.

The bazaar and square at Khan el Khalili Mosque

It took us about an hour to work out transportation to take us to the Khan el Khalili Bazaar. Driving in Cairo reminded me a little of Marrakesh, but with 15 million more people. Traffic was horrible: no lanes, no lights, no evident rules. The bazaar reminded Erin and me of the Grand Baaar in Istanbul, but it was pretty late in the day so it was relatively calm. We were spotted early on by a merchant who helped us pick our a few gifts, namely a silver cartouche for our niece Lydia. We went into a small jewelry shop and watched them make it in front of our eyes. For dinner that night we ate at a El Kababgy, a (you guessed it) kabab restaurant in the El Gezirah Hotel along the Nile. We were still full from our late lunch, but the table grills and stone-oven-baked pita were very good. We were exhausted from our early start so we wandered back to the hotel for an early night in.

Ramses II

Saturday was Pyramids day. We met our guide Salwa a little late after breakfast at the hotel. Amin was there to introduce us to her...very helpful Amin, thank you for coming. In a minibus, we drove around Cairo, starting for the Mit Rahina Museum in the ancient city of Memphis. It was more like an open garden with a few ruinous statues lying about. If we hadn’t already been to six amazing temples along the shores of the Nile we might have been impressed. Alas, the four days we had already spent in upper Egypt had turned us into ruins snobs so after a glance at the (admittedly impressive) giant supine statue of Ramses II we moved along rather quickly. As we drove on, we learned that the bazaar we visited the day before had been attacked by "terrorists" just one month earlier. They threw a bomb from one of the windows about the main square area where we had met each other to catch a taxi.

Pondering which one to buy

Next stop, rug shop…wait excuse me, rug ‘school.’ Our driver pulled us in so we could see some child labor in full effect. We watched while some kids tied silk knots until their fingers bled. Ok, that didn’t really happen, but it was weird that they were showing off the child labor. As our host explained, it does provide a good income and some vocational training so it’s not all bad. After seeing the product being made, we were served teas, coffees, and water; anything to get us to buy one of the rugs. Well whatever they put in our tea worked, because we all ended up buying something. Hopefully we love our Nubian design rug from Elsoltan School for Carpe Giza as much in 30 years as we did that day.

Don't drink from the tap

Next we drove to the step pyramid for Imhotep in Saqqara. It was the oldest of the major temples and rather than rising in a smooth line, its sides were terraced. Here we also saw the world’s first example of columns used for architectural purposes.The thought of constructing one of these monuments in the heat of the desert is not pleasant. We spent about an hour and a half wandering around with cold water bottles and we were all hot and sweaty by the time we got back into our air-conditioned minibus. Lugging granite blocks around for years on end would have been, well, less enjoyable. But again, Imhotep got his temple and therefore had a nice journey through the afterlife the at least he was happy.

Finally, that afternoon we drove to Giza across town. A newish highway shortened the trip across town. What used to take 4 hours now took 45 minutes. Along the way, the poverty of Cairo was in plane sight. Row upon row upon row of unfinished brick buildings housed millions of people in tight quarters. Buildings are only taxed when they are completed so thousands of them sit unfinished with open roofs (only the lower floors are inhabited.)

You would have to be a miserable person not to be impressed by the first sight of the pyramids of Giza. The three main pyramids rise out of the desert, looking polished if aged next to all the crumbling “modern” brick buildings in the surrounding areas.We drove up to a viewing area where Salwa over-eagerly took pictures of us pointing, posing, pretending to touch the tip of them, etc. Though it was Vic’s idea for the six of us to form a human pyramid in front of the monuments. Good one.We had a chance to walk into the main burial chamber of the “Second Pyramid,” the one with the intact limestone cap at the top. It required a 40 meter hunched walk down a steep decline, then incline, but it was worth it. Standing in the heart of a 5,000 year-old Egyptian pyramid was a memorable experience.

Next to the second pyramid is the Cheops boat museum. It’s an ugly, modern building next to one of the most famous sights in the world. It does house something impressive though. The Cheops boat was found buried in the ground near the pyramids. It was a 150 foot river boat built around 2,500 BC, only to be floated once (to make sure it would float), dismantled, and buried in pieces for King Cheops’ trip down the River Afterlife. Our last major attraction was the Sphinx.Aside from the missing nose, he/she looks pretty good. Dinner that night was at Le Pacha, a very dated floating restaurant on the Nile.

View from the hotel. The pyramids were just barely visible,
but not on the hazy day when I took this photo.

For our last day, five of us visited the Egyptian Museum. Erin stayed at the hotel to try to catch some rays, but the clouds moved in to ruin her fun. Regardless, she would have been bored after about 10 minutes in the museum. Two things were definitely worth seeing, however: the mummified remains of some of the great pharaohs (we had visited many of their temples and tombs in the days preceding) and the collection of artifacts from Tut’s tomb. It was hard to imagine how all this stuff fit into the tomb we had walked into the Valley of the Kings. It’s also hard to imagine how much stuff was stolen from the various tombs over the years. As mentioned earlier, Tut’s was the only one of 63 tombs that was never robbed, whereas all the others were empty by the time they were “discovered.” What if each of them had the same amount of artifacts (or more!) than Tut? Think about it…

Mosque of Muhammad Ali

That afternoon we collected Erin, had a terrible lunch in our hotel's lobby cafe, and visited the Citadel of Salah Al-Din atop a rise that overlooks much of Cairo. The Mosque of Muhammad Ali (insert Cassius Clay joke here) sits in the middle of ancient fortress, built to protect the Muslims from the crusading Christians in the 1,100s. The area was surprisingly quiet, but I guess people come to Egypt for pyramids, not citadels and mosques...too bad. On the way back to our hotel, Erin and stopped at Khan el Khalili once more to pick up a few more gifts. This time we got necklaces for Erin and our mothers as well as a King Tut sarcophagus toy for our nephew, Luke.

Inside Muhammad Ali

By the time we got back to the hotel, our grands plans to try out another new restaurant had been sidelined by a few bottles of wine. Jeff, Maria, Theresa, and Vic had started without us on the terrace bar overlooking the river. It was probably for the better – after a few more aperetifs and some apple shisha we ended up going back to Sabaya for an ebullient final dinner in Egypt, complete with a violent red wine spill across the table.

Would this be the last voyage for the Africrew? We certainly hope not. Many possible scenarios were discussed about the group’s future. Based on the list of potential destinations discussed, perhaps we will have to rename ourselves South Americrew at some point down the road.