Some of the wacky, weird and hilarious phrases that have been muttered in my presence while at work over the past two and a half years. I thought they were either strange or unique and I needed to document them. This spans 6 A4 pages (yeah weird paper size in the UK) and sums up the hilarity of the people I got to work with everyday. It's been a pleasure.
“Better to have an empty house, than a bad tenant” (getting sick at work) – N. Douglas
“He’s just twisting my melons” (client’s extreme annoyance on the MD campaign – N. Douglas
“She’s as mad as a box of frogs” (in reference to the trainwreck that is Brittany Spears) – N. Douglas
“They’re so wrong, their right” (in ref. to Scotch eggs and Twinkies) – N Douglas
“That is such a swiz!” (in response to no hotels in Brighton allowing just a 1 night booking.) – N. Douglas & A. Webber
“She’s a little pocket rocket” (reaction after meeting my mom) – N Douglas
“We’re both singing from the same hymn sheet then.” (on avoiding a potential dreadful client call) – N. Douglas
“Nicola, did you put a cat amongst the pigeons?” (on client saying that he did not instruct any changes to the MD online plan) – A. Webber
“Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick” – (drama of Mother’s Day banners) – N. Douglas
“What a bag of tits. We all could get together and beat Scotland” - (on how bad the Scotland rugby team is) – N. Douglas
“Up here for thinking mate, down there for dancing in the middle for romancing” - (in reference to her invention of chocolate porridge) – N. Douglas
“I like the cut of your jib” (on finding alternate ways of doing things if we run into a problem) – N. Douglas
“No way, Pedro” (on finding out that Paul McCartney’s first name is actually James) – N. Douglas
“Up and down like a whore’s drawers” (on Heather Mills’ stock history on celebdaq) – N. Douglas
“She could talk a glass eye to sleep” (on a boring interviewee) – A. Webber
“Have you had your back, sack and crack waxed?” (on Tom going on a date) – N. Douglas
“That’s a dry haircare launch.” (in reference to so many women with dry hair in the UK) – B. Van Der Gucht
“I tickled his murkin.” (pubic wig) – (in reference to touching a pic of Paul Walker) – A. Webber
“I look like a toss pot or a cock pipe” – (in reference to having symmetrical spots) – N. Douglas
“Oh my sainted trousers!” – (in reference to the amount purchased by Al & friend at Primark) – N. Douglas
“I can’t get my pork sausage legs in them.” – (in reference to trying on a pair of Primark jeans) – N. Douglas
“Pissed as a lord.” – (in reference to just being ridiculously drunk) – N. Douglas
“My eyes are like piss holes in the snow” (in ref to her crappy eyelashes) – A. Webber
“I’ll have a whisper in her shell like” (in ref to telling Ali something at the away days) – A. Webber
“Thanks, China” (meaning cockney – china plate=mate) – S. Losh
“Seriously, where is Sonny Jim?” (in reference to Ben being late to work) – N. Douglas
“I’m so hungry I could eat a scabby horse” – N. Douglas
“Why not, Gordon Bennett!!” – (on me saying I won’t work at McCann forever) A. Webber
“My submarine is full of eels, and flamingos only fly on Tuesdays” - (when someone is speaking utter rubbish) A. Webber
“Al’s thrown her toys out of the pram again” - (on responding to Al being angry about not knowing how to win at Celebdaq) N. Douglas
“Pay peanuts get monkeys” – (on Calum trying to save money) – A. Webber
“What did you do, knob-jockey?” –(on Ben saying Nic was fired and “replacing” her with boxes and pictures of Penelope when she was away at a record.) – N. Douglas
“It’s about as much use to me as a chocolate teapot.” – (on the free sample at Aveda this month – Be Curly) – A. Webber
“We’re dealing with a shower of fools” – (in ref. to a client asking her to remember to playout both versions of the commercial for Collagen) – N. Douglas
“I hope that’s all trickety boo with you two.” – (in ref. to taking her half day McHoliday) – N. Douglas
“He wants the moon on a stick” – (on Calum wanting everything right now) – N. Douglas
“I wish somebody would just shoot me in the face, just for something to do” – (on a really boring Friday afternoon) – N. Douglas
“I am going to have a wee just for something to do. I’ll see if I can’t push one out.” – again on that same Friday afternoon) – N. Douglas
“My stomach feels like my throat is being cut.” (on how hungry she is) – A. Webber
“It’s all fur coat and no knickers” – (on what is in shampoo that makes it lather) – A. Webber
“He’s such an absolute knob-cheese” – (on the gross unprofessionalism and tact that a client has) – N. Douglas
“If you’re going to muck about like farts in a bag, then what am I going to do?!”(on clients expecting us to foresee yet another asinine change) – N. Douglas
“If it’s 64 today, I will just plait (braid) sawdust” – (on the rubbish weather forecast) – A. Webber
“A Grade A C U Next Tuesday” (a client being a jerk) – N. Douglas
“No danger park ranger” – (on Al being at L’Oreal all morning and won’t be in the office until afternoon) – N. Douglas
“He just drinks steak in a glass doesn’t he?” – (On Paul drinking so much Guiness) – S. Ballam
“Do you think I came down in the last shower?” – (On Yo Sushi charging too much for a container half full of edamame) – N. Douglas
“You need to speak to the organ grinder, not the monkeys” – (on Sue the paper lady wanting to take us to lunch presumably to persuade us to use her paper company for L’O) – N. Douglas
“It’s about a knat’s cock taller” (on the proportion between RVL DSW and DL packs) – N. Douglas
“She couldn’t run a bath let alone a piece of business” – (no idea who she was talking about and on the phone to) – A. Webber
“A storm in a teacup!” – (on the announcement of Agon’s arrival in MAY of ’09 when it is currently October 16) – N. Douglas
“And Bob’s your uncle” – (in reference to Nic on-hold for Virgin forever and Al calling up and just choosing the “new CC application” selection from the menu and getting a representative right away) – A. Webber
“Bog-washing” – (flushing someone’s head down a toilet) – A. Webber
“I saw such a lairy ad in the paper yesterday” (an in your face Boots ad comparing their prices to Superdrug during the credit crunch) – A. Webber
“It’s a bit Charlie on the Farm in here” (rhyming for ‘warm’) – N. Douglas
“It’s so cunning you can stick a tail on it and call it a weasel” (feeding in projects to Chrome and emailing them every few days to show we are bringing work in house.) – A. Webber
“They couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery” (on Paris being bad at their coordination job) – A. Webber
“It’s a buggers muddle” (on the shambolic situation at Framestore in an offline) – N. Douglas
“She knows she’s about as funny as toothache.” (on the level of Grita’s humour) – A. Webber
“A nod’s as good as a wink to a blindman.” (Al winking about keeping a project on the downlow.) – T. White
“Christ on a bike!” (on the finishing of the haircolourants insert) – L. Solomon
“Their’s is more like a damp squib” (in reference to the England Rugby teams anthem) – N. Douglas
“You know me like you made me.” (in reference to Pauline Barker knowing exactly what type of drink she wants at what time of day) – N. Douglas
“We do push the peanut on creative more than anyone else” (on Vianney loving our Men Expert work) – A. Webber
“The cage was open, but no beast was coming out” (in reference to Tom’s fly being down on his jeans) – N. Douglas
“She will have your guts for garters” (A Kirky on lack of control of C sometimes) – A. Webber
“It’s like silk goin in and sewage goin out.” (on Prosecco or anything with bubbles) – A. Webber
“She’s telling pork pies” (which means lies and in reference to Serena Williams saying she weighed 130 lbs) – A. Webber
‘Sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees. Or the paper from the forest.’ (in ref. To AK not being able to see the big picture on Perfect Clean). – A. Webber
‘They’re gonna spit chips.’ (on the creatives being angry about the quick turnaround on men’s deodorants.) – A. Webber
‘He’s probably got more diseases than a GUM clinic (GUM – place where you go if you have STDs) (on Russell Brand) – A. Webber
‘Over-egging the pudding’ (overselling the Cheryl Cole debut ad tonight with an ad in the Metro saying, ‘Has your hair lost its mogo? Find it with Cheryl on ITV1 at 8:38.’) – N. Douglas
‘They look like they’ve been thrown in from behind a door.’ (on Laetitia Casta’s teeth) – A. Webber
‘We should put my mum and your dad in a bag and shake them up!’ (On Nic’s dad and Al’s mum not thinking Cheryl Cole is English or a Geordie) – A. Webber
“No one in their right mind would touch it with a barge pole” (On a property Ben surveyed to potentially buy but was shoddy) – N. Douglas
“He got stitched up like a kipper.” (On Ben’s brother paying him for his new shoes and giving Ben his old shoes.) – N. Douglas
“She’s as thick as two short planks.” (On the ineptitude of a client'sjob capabilities.) – N. Douglas
“Pull the plank out of your eyes before you try to pull the splinter out of ours.” (On a Daily Mail editor saying that her nine year old daughter thinks that washing her hair with Elvive will make her look like Cheryl Cole.) – A. Webber
“There’s more meat on a butcher’s pencil” (On Cecilia saying she can’t eat a chocolate because of her weight) – A. Webber
“You wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating cookies.” (on Keira Knightley being not ugly) – A. Webber
“What’s the matter with him, the dosey swine.” (on someone asking for something he likely already had received in several emails also sent to him on that day) – A. Webber
“They move slower than the Titanic trying to turn to avoid an iceberg.” (On L’Oréal’s ability to do reactionary advertising especially online.) – A. Webber
“You gutter snipe!” (On me thinking something Al said was dirty.) – A. Webber
“She can play the joanna – piana.” (On Alicia Keys having it all) – N. Douglas
“I could package this and ship it out.” (On the new pants he is trying out) – B. Van Der Gucht
“It’s like a baptism of fire.’ (on the new producer’s first day of chaos.) – N. Douglas
“Don’t you just want to shrink him down, put him on a keyring and carry him around with you?” (On Alex Nikpour and how hilarious he is) – S. Parkman
“You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ears.” (On making a deo outdoor ad without many elements or claims) – A. Webber
“Bless his cotton socks. – Bless his cottons” (On Paul coming up to see Pauline on misc costs). – P. Barker
“He’s got the brains of a rocking horse.” (On Wayne the maintenance man assessing the hole in Pauline Barker’s floor) – P. Peek
“It’s got a bit of a fur coat moment going on.” (On something in the fridge that has gone mouldy.) – P. Peek
“Mad as a March hare” (On some guy named Damon who Rob went out drinking with the night before) – R. Brown
“There’s always a bloody fly in the ointment” (on not getting her trackers quite right) N. Douglas
“They’re being like humping dogs at the moment!” (on Ireland being really needy as of late) E. Gwynn
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