Bloomsbury, England, November 4th, 2007-June 30th, 2010

Some of the wacky, weird and hilarious phrases that have been muttered in my presence while at work over the past two and a half years. I thought they were either strange or unique and I needed to document them. This spans 6 A4 pages (yeah weird paper size in the UK) and sums up the hilarity of the people I got to work with everyday. It's been a pleasure.


“Better to have an empty house, than a bad tenant” (getting sick at work) – N. Douglas

“He’s just twisting my melons” (client’s extreme annoyance on the MD campaign – N. Douglas

“She’s as mad as a box of frogs” (in reference to the trainwreck that is Brittany Spears) – N. Douglas

“They’re so wrong, their right” (in ref. to Scotch eggs and Twinkies) – N Douglas

“That is such a swiz!” (in response to no hotels in Brighton allowing just a 1 night booking.) – N. Douglas & A. Webber

“She’s a little pocket rocket” (reaction after meeting my mom) – N Douglas

“We’re both singing from the same hymn sheet then.” (on avoiding a potential dreadful client call) – N. Douglas

“Nicola, did you put a cat amongst the pigeons?” (on client saying that he did not instruct any changes to the MD online plan) – A. Webber

“Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick” – (drama of Mother’s Day banners) – N. Douglas

“What a bag of tits. We all could get together and beat Scotland” - (on how bad the Scotland rugby team is) – N. Douglas

“Up here for thinking mate, down there for dancing in the middle for romancing” - (in reference to her invention of chocolate porridge) – N. Douglas

“I like the cut of your jib” (on finding alternate ways of doing things if we run into a problem) – N. Douglas

“No way, Pedro” (on finding out that Paul McCartney’s first name is actually James) – N. Douglas

“Up and down like a whore’s drawers” (on Heather Mills’ stock history on celebdaq) – N. Douglas

“She could talk a glass eye to sleep” (on a boring interviewee) – A. Webber

“Have you had your back, sack and crack waxed?” (on Tom going on a date) – N. Douglas

“That’s a dry haircare launch.” (in reference to so many women with dry hair in the UK) – B. Van Der Gucht

“I tickled his murkin.” (pubic wig) – (in reference to touching a pic of Paul Walker) – A. Webber

“I look like a toss pot or a cock pipe” – (in reference to having symmetrical spots) – N. Douglas

“Oh my sainted trousers!” – (in reference to the amount purchased by Al & friend at Primark) – N. Douglas

“I can’t get my pork sausage legs in them.” – (in reference to trying on a pair of Primark jeans) – N. Douglas

“Pissed as a lord.” – (in reference to just being ridiculously drunk) – N. Douglas

“My eyes are like piss holes in the snow” (in ref to her crappy eyelashes) – A. Webber

“I’ll have a whisper in her shell like” (in ref to telling Ali something at the away days) – A. Webber

“Thanks, China” (meaning cockney – china plate=mate) – S. Losh

“Seriously, where is Sonny Jim?” (in reference to Ben being late to work) – N. Douglas

“I’m so hungry I could eat a scabby horse” – N. Douglas

“Why not, Gordon Bennett!!” – (on me saying I won’t work at McCann forever) A. Webber

“My submarine is full of eels, and flamingos only fly on Tuesdays” - (when someone is speaking utter rubbish) A. Webber

“Al’s thrown her toys out of the pram again” - (on responding to Al being angry about not knowing how to win at Celebdaq) N. Douglas

“Pay peanuts get monkeys” – (on Calum trying to save money) – A. Webber

“What did you do, knob-jockey?” –(on Ben saying Nic was fired and “replacing” her with boxes and pictures of Penelope when she was away at a record.) – N. Douglas

“It’s about as much use to me as a chocolate teapot.” – (on the free sample at Aveda this month – Be Curly) – A. Webber

“We’re dealing with a shower of fools” – (in ref. to a client asking her to remember to playout both versions of the commercial for Collagen) – N. Douglas

“I hope that’s all trickety boo with you two.” – (in ref. to taking her half day McHoliday) – N. Douglas

“He wants the moon on a stick” – (on Calum wanting everything right now) – N. Douglas

“I wish somebody would just shoot me in the face, just for something to do” – (on a really boring Friday afternoon) – N. Douglas

“I am going to have a wee just for something to do. I’ll see if I can’t push one out.” – again on that same Friday afternoon) – N. Douglas

“My stomach feels like my throat is being cut.” (on how hungry she is) – A. Webber

“It’s all fur coat and no knickers” – (on what is in shampoo that makes it lather) – A. Webber

“He’s such an absolute knob-cheese” – (on the gross unprofessionalism and tact that a client has) – N. Douglas

“If you’re going to muck about like farts in a bag, then what am I going to do?!”(on clients expecting us to foresee yet another asinine change) – N. Douglas

“If it’s 64 today, I will just plait (braid) sawdust” – (on the rubbish weather forecast) – A. Webber

“A Grade A C U Next Tuesday” (a client being a jerk) – N. Douglas

“No danger park ranger” – (on Al being at L’Oreal all morning and won’t be in the office until afternoon) – N. Douglas

“He just drinks steak in a glass doesn’t he?” – (On Paul drinking so much Guiness) – S. Ballam

“Do you think I came down in the last shower?” – (On Yo Sushi charging too much for a container half full of edamame) – N. Douglas

“You need to speak to the organ grinder, not the monkeys” – (on Sue the paper lady wanting to take us to lunch presumably to persuade us to use her paper company for L’O) – N. Douglas

“It’s about a knat’s cock taller” (on the proportion between RVL DSW and DL packs) – N. Douglas

“She couldn’t run a bath let alone a piece of business” – (no idea who she was talking about and on the phone to) – A. Webber

“A storm in a teacup!” – (on the announcement of Agon’s arrival in MAY of ’09 when it is currently October 16) – N. Douglas

“And Bob’s your uncle” – (in reference to Nic on-hold for Virgin forever and Al calling up and just choosing the “new CC application” selection from the menu and getting a representative right away) – A. Webber

“Bog-washing” – (flushing someone’s head down a toilet) – A. Webber

“I saw such a lairy ad in the paper yesterday” (an in your face Boots ad comparing their prices to Superdrug during the credit crunch) – A. Webber

“It’s a bit Charlie on the Farm in here” (rhyming for ‘warm’) – N. Douglas

“It’s so cunning you can stick a tail on it and call it a weasel” (feeding in projects to Chrome and emailing them every few days to show we are bringing work in house.) – A. Webber

“They couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery” (on Paris being bad at their coordination job) – A. Webber

“It’s a buggers muddle” (on the shambolic situation at Framestore in an offline) – N. Douglas

“She knows she’s about as funny as toothache.” (on the level of Grita’s humour) – A. Webber

“A nod’s as good as a wink to a blindman.” (Al winking about keeping a project on the downlow.) – T. White

“Christ on a bike!” (on the finishing of the haircolourants insert) – L. Solomon

“Their’s is more like a damp squib” (in reference to the England Rugby teams anthem) – N. Douglas

“You know me like you made me.” (in reference to Pauline Barker knowing exactly what type of drink she wants at what time of day) – N. Douglas

“We do push the peanut on creative more than anyone else” (on Vianney loving our Men Expert work) – A. Webber

“The cage was open, but no beast was coming out” (in reference to Tom’s fly being down on his jeans) – N. Douglas

“She will have your guts for garters” (A Kirky on lack of control of C sometimes) – A. Webber

“It’s like silk goin in and sewage goin out.” (on Prosecco or anything with bubbles) – A. Webber

“She’s telling pork pies” (which means lies and in reference to Serena Williams saying she weighed 130 lbs) – A. Webber

‘Sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees. Or the paper from the forest.’ (in ref. To AK not being able to see the big picture on Perfect Clean). – A. Webber

‘They’re gonna spit chips.’ (on the creatives being angry about the quick turnaround on men’s deodorants.) – A. Webber

‘He’s probably got more diseases than a GUM clinic (GUM – place where you go if you have STDs) (on Russell Brand) – A. Webber

‘Over-egging the pudding’ (overselling the Cheryl Cole debut ad tonight with an ad in the Metro saying, ‘Has your hair lost its mogo? Find it with Cheryl on ITV1 at 8:38.’) – N. Douglas

‘They look like they’ve been thrown in from behind a door.’ (on Laetitia Casta’s teeth) – A. Webber

‘We should put my mum and your dad in a bag and shake them up!’ (On Nic’s dad and Al’s mum not thinking Cheryl Cole is English or a Geordie) – A. Webber

“No one in their right mind would touch it with a barge pole” (On a property Ben surveyed to potentially buy but was shoddy) – N. Douglas

“He got stitched up like a kipper.” (On Ben’s brother paying him for his new shoes and giving Ben his old shoes.) – N. Douglas

“She’s as thick as two short planks.” (On the ineptitude of a client'sjob capabilities.) – N. Douglas

“Pull the plank out of your eyes before you try to pull the splinter out of ours.” (On a Daily Mail editor saying that her nine year old daughter thinks that washing her hair with Elvive will make her look like Cheryl Cole.) – A. Webber

“There’s more meat on a butcher’s pencil” (On Cecilia saying she can’t eat a chocolate because of her weight) – A. Webber

“You wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating cookies.” (on Keira Knightley being not ugly) – A. Webber

“What’s the matter with him, the dosey swine.” (on someone asking for something he likely already had received in several emails also sent to him on that day) – A. Webber

“They move slower than the Titanic trying to turn to avoid an iceberg.” (On L’Oréal’s ability to do reactionary advertising especially online.) – A. Webber

“You gutter snipe!” (On me thinking something Al said was dirty.) – A. Webber

“She can play the joanna – piana.” (On Alicia Keys having it all) – N. Douglas

“I could package this and ship it out.” (On the new pants he is trying out) – B. Van Der Gucht

“It’s like a baptism of fire.’ (on the new producer’s first day of chaos.) – N. Douglas

“Don’t you just want to shrink him down, put him on a keyring and carry him around with you?” (On Alex Nikpour and how hilarious he is) – S. Parkman

“You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ears.” (On making a deo outdoor ad without many elements or claims) – A. Webber

“Bless his cotton socks. – Bless his cottons” (On Paul coming up to see Pauline on misc costs). – P. Barker

“He’s got the brains of a rocking horse.” (On Wayne the maintenance man assessing the hole in Pauline Barker’s floor) – P. Peek

“It’s got a bit of a fur coat moment going on.” (On something in the fridge that has gone mouldy.) – P. Peek

“Mad as a March hare” (On some guy named Damon who Rob went out drinking with the night before) – R. Brown

“There’s always a bloody fly in the ointment” (on not getting her trackers quite right) N. Douglas

“They’re being like humping dogs at the moment!” (on Ireland being really needy as of late) E. Gwynn

London, England, June 23rd - June 30th, 2010

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind. Hard to believe that over two and a half years have already come and gone. It seems like just yesterday we arrived to an empty flat, were eating chicken and peas on the floor using Union Jack paper plates, and I was complaining that the yogurt and the processed cheese I was used to was going to taste different and I wasn’t going to like it.

Well...fast forward! This experience has been nothing short of life-changing and truly incredible and boy did I find new foods to eat (so many different types of cheese, carmelized onion hummus and plain digestives!). In order to go out with a bang, we tried to cram in as much as possible this past week.

Recap of the week:
Wednesday, June 23rd – Drinks at Santo’s with the girls and then last Supper Club at... Supper Club Notting Hill!

Thursday, June 24th – Dinner with new ex-pats Jeannie (Spink) Sullivan, her husband Todd and new baby Natalie at Pizza Express in West Hampstead. A few firsts here: Seeing Jeannie and Todd in London and visiting West Hampstead. Cute town!

Friday, June 25th – Jimmy’s birthday drinks at The Clarendon. Never a dull moment when we got out with J&J. Well, add their other friends to the mix and you have one heck of a gathering.

Saturday, June 26th – US vs Ghana soccer game viewing at the American Sports Bar at the O2. Then on to see Bon Jovi!! I had not been to a concert in years, had never seen Bon Jovi or been to the O2! The Bonj didn’t disappoint and Livin on a Prayer was the best I’ve heard.

Sunday, June 27th – Picnic with Maria, Jeff and Theresa (who were also at Bon Jovi) in Ladbroke Square on a gorgeous day. Followed by a trip to The Mitre to watch England vs Germany in the World Cup. Germany defeats England, I had a lot to do in the flat but was convinced to go to the Ladbroke Arms for one more. 4 jugs of Pimms later and at about 7:30, I convinced the gang, which had now expanded to include Jimmy and Jason, to come back to our house while we packed. They didn’t want to leave and we didn’t want to leave them so we tried to hang out as long as possible. It soon was 9:30 and everyone headed home. Eric and I then started to pack...

Monday, June 28th – Packers arrived to box up our stuff, went to work then Eric and I decided to take a trip to Wimbledon for a little night action. Nicola had never been either so the three of us headed down there. We caught the end of a junior’s match, then watched the end of the Roddick and Nadal matches from Henman Hill.

Tuesday, June 29th – I received the most brilliant leaving video from Nic, Heather and Lucy. They re-wrote lyrics to the song ‘Goodbye My Friend’ by the Spice Girls, and made a music video of them singing with clips of my other colleagues waving goodbye. It was a perfect mix of comedy and sorrow. It was so special. Had my leaving drinks at the Marquis that ended with flip cup. Eric had his leaving do at Corny and Barrow and brought some of his guests (including Jimmy and Jason) to mine.

Wednesday, June 30th – Leaving lunch at work which I’m sure is bound to include Lemoncello. My liver is going to thank me once I move out of the UK.

On my last day, today at McCann, I’m beginning to think back on some of the great memories we’ll take with us. Some of my favourites are listed below. I know there are so many more that aren’t listed, but this is just a sampler.

- Our first trip to Brussels and Bruge on the Eurostar
- First Agency Christmas Party that was a disaster and ended with me on the couch at work the next day and getting sent home in the afternoon because I was too ill to work. My co-workers were proud; I was embarrassed.
- Being laughed at in my first client meeting for saying the world anti-ageing instead of antee-ageing.
- Basically learning a new language
- Greece Sept 08
- South Africa April 09
- Every one of the visitors that took the time and expense of flying over to see us or getting in touch if they were here on business/pleasure
- Proms in the Park
- Teaching my colleagues how to play flip cup at the agency summer party in ’09, then having them initiate the play at the black tie Christmas party later in the year.
- Meeting some of the greatest, most unique people we will ever know
- Picnics in Ladbroke Square Garden
- Three Peaks Challenge
- Our final week in London
- And many many many more...

Goodbye England. I’ll miss you.

Paris, France May 14th - 16th, 2010

‘Paris in the springtime.’ This is the one thing that Bonnie had asked of me upon our relo to the UK. Each time they came for a visit, in the spring, we would suggest, let’s go to Rome or Prague? It was only fair that on their last visit before our move back that we took them to Paris in the springtime and did it properly.

On Friday night, we went first class on the Eurostar and enjoyed a lovely meal with proper cutlery, champagne and good conversation. My mom had not been on a ‘real’ train journey before (except to Edinburgh which doesn’t really count, I guess) so we were excited to pay up for a more premium experience.

We arrived into Gare de Nord around 10 I think and found our Hotel Caravelle with the help of Eric’s innate navigational skills. The hotel was sufficient and a ‘good value’ but dreadfully small. It was so small I was concerned there was no closet, but after my thorough inspection – which happens each time I enter a hotel room and consists of scouring for bugs, blood, pubes, and scoping out the amenities – it was located. The walls were a pepto bismol pink and the decor reminded me of a nursing home. Luckily the place was clean; that was most important. We dropped our stuff and headed out for a night cap, but first made a pitstop to Montmartre. Didn’t disappoint and Chuck and Bonnie were suitably impressed.

Because we enjoyed our drinks on Rue Lepic last March with the Ramsey/Novak clan, we headed back to the same place for drinks. A bottle of red and a stroll later, we called it a night.

On Saturday, breakfast was on our minds. My mom had gotten a recommendation from a friend to go try Angelina’s for their ‘world class’ hot chocolate. So we made our way on the metro to Rivoli and indulged in some croissants and some really good, really thick hot chocolate. Kind of pricey for what we got, but worth the experience for Bonnie to go back and tell her friend that she went on her recommendation.

After breakfast, we strolled along Rivoli towards the Louvre. Dad looked at the shops for goodies for the ladies at work, while Eric and I tried to plan our day. After a quick pit stop at the Louvre and the mini Arc, we took a walk across the Seine to Notre Dame. There was some festival of bread going on (SCORE!!) but sadly, it was more of ‘how to make it’ rather than ‘here, eat lots of different kinds.’ After a quick lap of the interior and a crooked look at a ‘hunchback’ posing with tourists outside, we tried to find Saint Chapelle, and after a search were successful, but we decided to admire it from the outside instead of going in.

Food from Mouffetard. Picnic in Luxembourg

It had been at least a few hours since we last ate, so we decided to take my parents to our favourite ‘picnic’ street Rue de Mouffetard. Of course, we picked up the standard, salami from the butcher, cheese from the fromagerie, pain from the boulangerie, fraise, chocolate and some drinks from the marche. The park we usually sit in at the end of Moufftard (and where Eric usually gets pooped on by birds) was a bit full so we walked to the Jardin du Luxembourg for our picnic. That too was busy, but we pulled up a few chairs and had a nice little lunch while people watching. The weather was relatively mild so a nice stroll post lunch was perfect.

We thought a bit of shopping was in order so we walked over to Les Halles and the surrounding areas. After about an hour or two, mom’s feet were getting tired so the perfect solution? Drink again. We sat a cafe right in Les Halles and enjoyed a bottle of rose and some pretzels. Post-snack, we walked along the Seine and then jumped on the metro back to our hotel for a little rest.

Chez Janou

The rest didn’t last long as we soon made our way our to Chez Janou near la place des Vosges. This was another favourite that was recommended to Eric by a colleague which we had tried back in March of ’09. The food was delicious, per usual. Chuck and Bonnie thoroughly enjoyed it (except for Bonnie’s expression when the full fish – head, eyes, and all – arrived on my plate). The dinner was long and leisurely and once we were stuffed we went for our post-dinner walk (which Eric loves).

The sights post-dinner included the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower. What a sight at night especially on the hour when it starts to sparkle. When the Tower lights went static, it was time to call it a night. Back to Pigalle and to bed.

Sunday

Sunday was another slow start. We checked out of the hotel (with luggage in tow since the ‘storage area’ at the hotel was ghetto) and had a bite of breakfast at the cafe on the corner of our street. The croissants and coffee were good but the service was dreadful although we did get to sit outside which was a bonus. But on second thought, it’s Paris so that isn’t too unique is it?

We decided to drop our luggage at Gare du Nord before exploring the city on our final day so we walked, found a locker and headed out on the town. Our first stop was to Jardin des Tuileries because Bonnie loves a good garden. After a wander around there, we made our way to the Arc and the Champs Elysee. Food was on our minds as we strolled down the Champs, but we figured any restaurants on or in the vicinity would likely be sub-par and expensive so we wandered south in search of food.

It had been a few hours since our last meal, and I was getting cranky. We looked at a few posted menus, but what everyone wanted was quiche so we continued the search until we stumbled upon an outdoor cafe about 15 minutes later. The food was good (including the quiche Lorraine) and we got a nice bottle of rose that went down a treat! Sadly, following a leisurely lunch, it was time to head to the train station.

We arrived early at the station to pick up our customary picnic meal for the train – meat, cheese, and bread. We had picked up a few bottles of wine earlier in the day because they are good and so cheap! Oddly enough, we were able to get each of the remaining items in the train station. I love Paris! The journey home was as nice as the journey there – lots of wine and some great conversation. I'm pretty sure if you ask Bonnie, she was pretty impressed with her Paris in the springtime visit.